


We have a prolem

by AnAngryRat



Series: I hate you [3]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, UST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-06
Updated: 2013-09-06
Packaged: 2017-12-25 20:15:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/957179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnAngryRat/pseuds/AnAngryRat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a notice going around to all friends and family that Stiles isn't allowed to get the D. (Spoiler alert he never does.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	We have a prolem

**Author's Note:**

> Pre Season 3

“Your pack is trying to cockblock me make them stop.”

Derek gives him a blank stare of horror. Stiles knows that look. Derek is bullshitting him. On purpose. Stiles was sick of this shit. There had been tons of make out sessions that had been broken up because Isaac needed some notes for a class he wasn’t in or Erica left some imaginary object behind in Derek’s lair. The latest one happened a week ago, Stiles had been so close to getting his pants off when Erica literally jumped on their laps. Stiles wanted hot sex with the lickable six-pack-abs and he needed it yesterday.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about?” Derek pulls the book he was reading closer to his face. Stiles walks over and pushes it down and replaces it with his face. 

“Derek we haven’t made it past second base in three months and I don’t know about you but I’m fairly certain I would like to be having tons of hot passionate sex by now.” He gives him the puppy dog look from under the lashes. Derek always falls for that one. Derek looks away disinterested. Time to play dirty.

“Hmm, nice thought isn’t it,” he says slowly pushing closer to Derek’s lips, “Just think me lying flat-“

Derek kisses him, probably to shut him up, pulling him into his lap. Stiles leans in deepening the kiss and… Boyd coughs in the entry way of the lair. Oh for fucks sake! Stile pushes himself off Derek. He grabs his keys and heads to his Jeep ignoring the whine of protest from the successfully cockblocked alpha and the awkward look Boyd gives him on out his way. Good for him, Stiles thinks getting into the car.  
*   
Derek is highly aware that his pack was trying to stop him and Stiles from having sex. In their ‘home.’ Derek growls to himself. The little hypocrites. He doesn’t want to even describe how many times he walked into his abandoned underground lair, only to smell their sex. He just let it go on for so long because it was an excuse for him to warm up to the idea that he was about to do this with Stiles. Wait. Fuck. Age was only numbers but every once in a while when Derek looked at Stiles big brown eyes, he felt slightly like a pedophile. He shuddered and reminded himself that Stiles was nineteen and, if only by law, an adult.

He can’t let it go anymore though, having finally been caught. So, he is going to have to call what is probably going to be the most uncomfortable pack meeting in his entire life. If only he could have no shame in this category of life, like his sarcastic asshole of a boyfriend. Derek really did love him; though a rather large part of their relationship was built solely upon their ability argue with each other. And that wasn’t going to make this get together any better. He sends out the mass text and instantly regrets having Stiles on the list. Derek is never going to live this down.  
*  
Stiles leans back in his chair and crosses his arms. He’s fighting a smile while watching Derek pace the small stage area created in front of the pack. Erica turns around towards him wiggling her eyebrows, mischievously. Stiles shrugs failing at playing cool in a place filled with werewolves who could tell how excited he is. He knows exactly what this was about; he just wants to watch them suffer. They deserve it. 

Derek grunts, catching their attention. He opens his mouth once, closes it, and then begins once again.

“What do I have to do, so you can let me get laid?” 

Their expressions were priceless. Isaac even fell out of his chair. Erica recovers the fastest, and saunters over to Derek and put her hand out and open in front of him. He looks at it then her. She makes the universal “Gimme” sign. He quickly pulls out a fifty and hands it to her. With that she kisses his cheek and walks out of there her heels clacking on the concrete making it echo. Stiles nods in approval, kudos to her for making it simple. 

Boyd gets up second, puts his hand on Derek’s shoulder and says “Never do this again.” He runs out of the lair with much less dignity than Erica. Stiles is a little bit disappointed in Boyd’s reaction thinking it could have been so much more, erm…masculine? But Isaac totally makes up for it. He hops up brushes himself off hands Derek a condom from his back pocket and whispers something that makes Derek grin maliciously, and then jogs out a light touch to every step. 

Stiles and Derek look at each other. Stiles smirks smugly. Derek stalks over and places a hand on the back of the chair, leaning in.

“Happy now?” he asks, lowering himself so he’s straddling Stiles. Stiles shrugs wrapping his arms around Derek’s waist.

“Not quite yet, Darling.” Derek tilts his head up and pulls him in for a kiss. Derek’s great at kissing, nibbling on the lips, playing with the tongue, all very good for Stiles. He himself on the other hand sucks and continues to clack their teeth together. After the fourth time Derek gives him a quick glare. Stiles shrugs sheepishly. Not his fault no one wanted him for nineteen years, leaving him to never figure out how to kiss. Derek moves on and starts to give Stiles a hickey right on his collar bone. Stiles gasps and grinds a bit against him. He starts pulling off Derek’s shirt to get to those…/Take my love/ Take my land/ Take me to where I cannot stand, Stiles cellphone sings. He sighs puts his head on Derek’s shoulder and pulls out his cell. 

“Heeeeeey,” he sighs regretfully into the phone. Derek’s makes an exaggerated groan and gets off of Stiles’ lap.

“Hey, kiddo,” his dad answers back cheerfully. 

“Hi, dad, what’s up?”

Stiles covers the speaker with his hand just to groan, at the ceiling. He takes a deep breath and pulls the phone back to his ear.

“Hmm?” he asks casually.

“I was just saying you should bring your disgruntled boyfriend over for dinner tonight,” his dad says sardonically. Stiles hits his forehead with the heel of his hand. Of course his dad could hear Derek over the phone, of course.

“Sure dad, we’ll both be there.” Stiles glances quickly at Derek. He starts to internally freak out a bit. Derek notices and looks questioningly at him.

“Wow, I didn’t expect you to break so easily.”

“Well, um…I’m sure you’ll love Derek.”

Derek’s eyebrows hit the ceiling or would if they could ever leave their bushy state above his eyes.

“Derek HALE?” 

Stiles hangs up, not breaking eye contact. 

“Guess where we are going for dinner tonight?”  
*  
Stiles had always had a plan for introducing his dad to Derek. He always expected yelling and anger, maybe some disappointment but then he’d realize that Derek wasn’t such a wuss. That maybe he had saved Stiles multiple times, not unlike all those times Stiles saved his ass. Then his dad would realize that Derek was more of a shield and less of a boyfriend for Stiles. Also that he could shoot him as much as he wanted and never be charged with murder or assult. Always a plus.

This sadistic torture was not in Stiles visions of his dad’s reaction. By the third awkward question Stiles gave up eating and turned to the default setting of having his head in his arms. Derek was handling it well, turning bright red and staying absolutely silent. Stiles sighs and looks at his father whose eyebrows were quirked in wait. It was the like the fifth most uncomfortable question his father could come up with in the last half an hour.

“No, we have yet to have sex because of people like you who find it hilarious to cockblock me for the rest of my adult life. So of course we would be practicing safe sex, if we had any at all.”

Stiles dad rubs his face. That’s right he was out played by his own son. The padawan has surpassed the jedi. Stiles gives his father a crooked smile, and elbows Derek who’s looking murderous at the moment. 

“Only when I’m out of the house, if we never have to do this again,” Stilinski negotiates.

“Deal,” Stiles says taking a sip of his juice, and slamming it on the table like a cold hard mediator.

“Great, excuse me, I have work to do.”

With that Mr. Stilinski gathers his plate and cup and exits the room. Derek and Stiles sit in silence for a while. Derek turns towards Stiles eyebrow raised. Stiles taps a finger to his head and replies, “Great minds think alike.”   
*  
Stiles pulls him on the bed and practically shoves his tongue down Derek’s throat. Dad is gone, it’s night, Derek had snuck in through the window, sex is going to happen. Derek didn’t waste any time taking off his shirt, Stiles silently thanks god for Derek figuring out that Stiles lives for seeing him shirtless. Stiles begins pulling off his own shirt clumsily and nearly gives himself a black eye. They are half way there! Some continuous strenuous, lip bruising kissing, lots of groping on Stiles part and he thinks that he can finally take off Derek’s pants have a closer look at that ass. He grabs the button and starts unzipping when Derek stops. 

He gets up grabs his jacket and shirt and is out Stiles window in less than a minute, with no word or warning. Stiles is putting on his own shirt and making his way to window, when Scott walks into his room.

“Hey, dude. It was really nice of your dad to give me my own key.”

Stiles puts his elbows on the window sill and grabs his head.

“Why does your room smell like Derek? Was he here again?”

Stiles quietly curses his dad for being so clever, before he faces telling his best friend about his secret romance that everyone, even Allison, had known about except him. He will someday get his dad back ten fold.   
*  
Derek is marking Stiles, while trying to make the difficult decision of either finishing his hickey or getting him undressed. Stiles moans and grinds a bit dragging Derek’s head in closer. Undress. The faster this happens the less likely someone is goin-

“Hrm,” Peter Hale grunts in the entry way. Stiles falls from Derek’s lap crashing hard on the floor. Peter smiles giddily. He just loves to ruin others fun.

“What do you want you cockblocking, motherfucking, asshole, scum of the fucking earth?” Stiles asks kindly getting up and wiping dust from his ass to go greet him.

“Dramatic aren’t we?” Stiles levels him with a glare. Peter continues anyway “Well, you would be since you happen to be the only virgin in this mediocre thing Derek calls a pack.”

Derek really, really hates his undead uncle from hell. He quickly makes the executive decision that for once it was better for Stiles to talk his way through this conversation. While he calms down a bit and tries not to rip his uncles throat out. Again.

“Well,” Stiles says mockingly, “I was about to not be one.”

“Which is why I had to stop you.”

Stiles raises an eyebrow encouraging him to go on.

“I need you to attract a unicorn that has conveniently found its self in Beacon Hills, so we can kill it before it starts killing more young beautiful virgins like yourself,” Peter draws out reveling in Stiles surprise.

Derek gets up and stands by Stiles, crossing his arms. Neither of them was buying it.

“Unicorns do in fact kill virgins, but I need it for some black market trading.” 

Derek snarls at him, wolfing out a bit more than necessary.

“And for some werewolf steroids, of course.”

There was the real reason. Derek mulls over the thought. 

“Instead,” he said stepping closer to Peter, “We stop the unicorn from killing people and give Deaton the blood for, let’s say, emergency purposes.”

Peter tugs at his collar trying to pull himself taller. He gives a charming, killer smile and says, “Have it your way, but we’re still using boy-twink over there as bait.”

Stiles eyes get really wide as Derek turns to look at him, otherwise confirming Peter’s statement.

“Shit,” Stiles squeaks.  
*  
“Sooooo, we’re going to offer Stiles up to the unicorn like a virgin sacrifice,” Erica says a grin perking up the corners of her lips. The pack plus Scott break into a chorus immature giggles. Stiles avoids the need to bang his head against a wall. This was a stupid idea. Put Stiles in the woods and have the giant murderous unicorn come after him. This was going to end great for everyone, except Stiles.

“Yes, laugh at the nineteen year old virgin,” Stiles spit out bitterly. He notices Derek flinching at the word nineteen. Interesting, must investigate later: Rorschach journal entry 2,012.

“Yes, yes, but that is vital to our plan so, please Derek make sure he stays at this state,” Peter suggests.

Derek says nothing but glares him down alpha eyes and all. Stiles knows he caught his drift. No sex for however long it takes to lure a unicorn. The little coup meeting ends on that note, and Stiles tries his best not to smash his fist into the little snickers the pack plus Scott keep sending him whenever they see him for the next week.   
*  
Derek vision goes red and it takes a while before he can clearly grasp the situation. Stiles is being impaled by a unicorn. His inner cynic wanted to laugh hysterically. His realist is telling him that Stiles is probably going to die and never come back. That’s when he loses all human sense of place and setting and turns into his giant alpha form. 

Stiles body slumps to the ground and the unicorn is rushed by two of the betas. He sprints to nuzzle Stiles confirming he’s alive and thinking of ways to get him to safety. Stiles pushes him away. He nuzzles again and looks worried. Stiles pushes him away again, he’s bleeding a lot and there’s nothing he can do. Stiles sighs pushes himself up and grabs the giant wolfs face. 

“Go,” he says slowly, “Kill. It.” The wolf needs no other commands and is off to take down the unicorn currently shaking off his betas, only to have two more tackle it again.

A unicorn is built more like a white mammoth than a sparkling horse and can easily pin an alpha no matter how many times he escapes. He bites and snarls, but the unicorn aims his horn straight at his head ready to impale…when it gets hit by a blue Jeep. The Jeep backs up giving Derek enough time to scramble away, before it nails it again. Repeatedly. Until the beast stops twitching and the engine finally dies out. The betas quickly turn back to human form and the alpha follows suit. They huddle nervously around the Jeep waiting for Derek’s next move. 

He opens the door already knowing that Stiles smells like blood and his heart beat is slowing. Stiles is slumped in the driver’s seat. He looks up glassy eyed and smiles shakily.

“Hey, even maimed and dying I’m still saving your ass.” He chuckles weakly. Derek gingerly pulls him out of the car and starts carrying him towards the other vehicles. The betas are quick to follow. Erica grabs Derek’s keys from the pocket of his destroyed pants. She clicks the Camaro open and slides into the driver’s seat the same time Derek slides in the back seat still holding Stiles. They ignore Scotts broken protests.

“Hey, Sourwolf-” Stiles starts.

“Please, shut up because I really don’t want to hear the rest of that sentence,” Derek says, petting his head tenderly.

“Come on, I can’t even say like an epic ‘I love you’ or ‘tell your kids how amazing Uncle Stilinski was killing a unicorn by running it over’,” he starts to laugh, it’s a hollow sound, “That’s still stupid sounding even half de-“

“Shut up. Please.” Derek asks quietly. He really did not want to hear the end of that sentence. 

“It’ll be okay,” Stiles whispers his eyes fluttering closed. Fuck. Erica pulls out in front of the hospital breaking god knows jow many traffic laws and jumps out of the car. She opens the door and leans in grabbing Stiles to drag him inside. Derek snaps at her and she just waves him off and moves on running Stiles inside. Derek has enough sense to at least put on some spare sweats before running after her. He makes it just in time to watch the doctors rush Stiles off to an operating room. 

He finds Erica standing were the EMT’s left her. He walks over and pulls her into him. He numbly realizes that he’s covered in blood, when Erica starts hiccupping and hugs him back. They stay like that for an immeasurable amount of time.  
*  
It’s the third day into Stiles coma, and Derek is at his wits end. He’s already stabbed his uncle multiple times, but that has neither lightened his guilt nor his anxiety. Stiles father has avoided all contact with him respectably. He did put his son into the hospital and into a coma no one knows he’s going to come out of. Deaton says that it probably has something to do with the unicorn’s horn being covered in some sort of venom that unicorn blood couldn’t completely cure. He couldn’t do anything. He hadn’t felt this helpless in a long time. Except worse because this little retard who is making him feel so weak this time was the only person who could make him feel like this. 

He sits in the dark room looking at Stiles motionless body and the steady rise of his chest. He wasn’t allowed during normal hours as by consensus of Mr. Stilinski. Derek had been looking so forward to their relationship. After the disaster of Kate Argent, upbeat, honest Stiles was the perfect remedy. He wouldn’t leave him, even though they argued constantly. He smiles bitterly a bit remembering fondly Stiles telling him he could handle a flimsy unicorn. Not exactly his brightest moment. Derek rubs his face. Then there is a flutter he looks up at the bed. Stiles eyes blink open and he sits up tenderly in bed. 

“Huh,” he grunts taking in the situation. Derek just watches in astonishment. There’s heavy silence in the air.

“So,” Stiles starts, “um… how long was I out?”

“Three days.”

“What happened to my...” His eyes squint trying to find the right word.

“Unicorn blood.” 

“Ah,” Stiles says falling back into his pillows.

“I almost died.” 

“Yeah.”

“I almost, died.” He starts to sound hysterical.

“Yes,” Derek responds in monotone.

“Jesus Christ, Derek, I’m freaking out! You can’t comfort me in the slightest bit?!” Stile yells sitting up and flailing his arms. Derek climbs into bed with him, without saying another word. Stiles leans into him and laces his fingers through Derek’s. They stay like that for a while as Stiles heartbeat steadies.

“Dad blames you,” Stiles says, putting the last three days together.

“As to be expected.”

“Not your fault.”

“Doesn’t make me feel less guilty.”

“Hmmm,” he responds, then adds understandingly “How many times did you beat the shit out of Peter.”

“Too many to count.”

Stiles lets out a small chuckle. An easy silence fills the room. They listen to each other’s heartbeat like it’s the most important thing in the world. 

“So,” Stiles says as Derek slips into sleep which he so desperately needs. 

“We can have sex now?” Derek’s eyes practically jump out of his skull. He sighs heavily.

“I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, you’ve been a coma for three days, I haven’t slept for five, your father may never forgive me and I think it’s best for us to just lay low for I don’t know the next year?”

“Not here,” Stiles says rolling his eyes, “As soon as I get out because I don’t want even the chance of me dying by unicorn on the table again. I had always planned on going out waaaaay more awesome than that.” 

Derek tenses. He grips Stiles hand more firmly.

“How had you planned on dying?”

Stiles turns to look Derek in the eye. There was so much more emotion loaded into that question than he had planned. He still feels a sense of dread when he sees the light scars that were left by the magical rope that cover his abdomen and left wrist. The same feeling hits him when he thinks of scar tissue over the hole that was hidden under the hospital gown. Stiles sees something in his eyes that makes him turn away. He answers with a shaking voice, “Saving you.”

“You can’t do that, your father is never going-“

“He’ll understand that it’s my choice.”

Derek swallows. “That alone won’t save me from the guilt.”

“It’s my choice. You should have nothing to weigh over your shoulders.”

Derek answers in silence. He did not want to talk about how to feel if Stiles died, after having had him so close to death only moments before.

“Hey, Derek?” Stiles asks quietly, pulling at the edges of his blanket.

“Yes?”

“Promise me something?”

Derek pauses and thinks about whatever Stiles might say. 

“Okay,” he answers steadily, deciding that he wouldn’t go back on his decision.

“If I die, please for the love of god, tell anyone I was stabbed by a unicorn. If you do I will personally haunt your ass until the end of days.”

Derek pauses for a heavy second.

“You didn’t even have to ask me.”

“Oh my god, I love you so much.” Stiles hugs him tight, relief radiating off of him.

“The feelings mutual,” Derek says, his tone soft.

There was silence. Stiles looks up at him catching his eye, wide eyed a large grin on his spreading across his face. 

“I love you too,” he replies, settling back into his place on Derek’s chest. They stay like that until morning. 

THE END


End file.
